Monday, March 21, 2011

Broken trust and broken hearts. My illusion, my mistake.

"I was careless, I forgot.
When all is done, there is nothing to say. All we had is gone now. 
Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken."

I can't believe it's over. I watched everything fall apart right in front of my face.
I wished I had known that these were the final days...and I wished I had made myself come to grips with the fact that nothing lasts forever...the good things never really last.
I don't know who we are anymore, in the blink of an eye.
I never thought we'd truly end up like this. 

I know you say everything is fine.
But I know better than that.
I know I say I am fine.
But you know better than that.

I was always right by your side, no matter what.
I rode beside you until you completely lost me and left me.

While the most honest truth of matter is that I'm not all into the idea of living without you, I must.
But I cannot keep waiting for things, that I still need to admit to myself, may never be.
I honestly don't know if this is killing me or making me stronger.
I just don't know...
What bites the big one the most is knowing that I wasn't worth the truth.
At least to that person...
"Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

"Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on." 
Eckhart Tolle

Through all of this...I was always so scared that it was just me that never could keep it together and that it was all just so much to take. But then I learned something important. Sometimes you're not supposed to try and save everything or try and stop everything from happening. I think sometimes you're supposed to feel completely beaten to death. I think you need to lose it all - ALL - and see people for their real true selves (even people you don't know...and now never - EVER - want to know) to get it through your head that in the world, some people are so awful and always will be. 

I needed to learn all of this in order to get to that next step...that next part of 'me'.

I want you to know that it's OK to be lost and it's OK to mess up and it's OK to make a mistake.
It's OK to trip, and to struggle.
But it's not OK to not do anything about it. It's not OK to continue wrong. It's not OK to mess with people's lives, hearts, emotions, dreams like that.

I want you to know too that you're no where near alone.
I am lost too, and I have been for so long. You know that.
I will always be there for you and we can get lost together and be lost together.

This has been the longest week, ever.
I've learned that there are some pretty sad, conniving, fake, pitiful people out there who will never get it. I feel bad for them.
But I need to start to rebuild everything. 
I guess sometimes you have to be your own hero, and save yourself. Here goes nothing...

Love always,