Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Last Thing.

Today is Monday.
I slept in, had some toast for breakfast and went to call you to say hi.
No answer.
I watched a movie. 
I laughed. I almost cried. I thought of you.
I went to school.
I thought of you a lot.
I looked beside me for you, but I was alone.
I tried to call you again.
No answer. 
I miss you, but where are you?

So I write. I begin to do the one thing that truly come natural to me.
I just start to write.
I write to you, like I always do.
I have always thought, and believed, that love is the greatest thing anyone can experience and live in. 

Falling in love is amazing, and falling in love with you is still the greatest memory I hold. 
Being in love with you on the other hand, I feel, will always be the greatest feeling I will ever feel. 

I know I am a little more on the sensitive side than most people. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and spill my heart out so much more than most people. You know this. And while I have caught myself saying, “I wish I didn’t care so much”, or “I wish things wouldn’t get to me so much”, or with the feeling that I wish I knew how to put myself first, even before my loved ones, in certain situations. 

The fact is, I can’t. I don’t know how to not care so much. I don't know how to put myself first. I don’t know how to not let certain things get to me like they do. They’re obviously getting to me for a reason, which is, I care about the matter very deeply. 

The bottom line is, it’s who I am. 

You know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. 
Lately, though, I haven’t been myself.
Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. 
And when I say lately, what I really mean is for quite some time now. 
Truth be told - I am nothing short of completely wiped out. 

I miss you with every beat of my heart. 
You're my home. 
I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world. 

You’re, without a doubt, my most f a v o r i t e thing about life.

But something is off. Something is not quite right. 
No matter how hard I try to fight the feeling off, I’m left with the feeling that something has got to give. 
I have no idea what to do or how to do it, but I know we have to do something. 
If we don’t, I’m afraid we'll self-destruct and all we are will be broken.

I am an emotional, frantic train wreck. 
I'm a mess.

There. I said it. I admit it.
I have literally gone off the deep end. 
I'm anxious and crazy and nervous and sad and uncertain and haunted and lost.

I think I've pin pointed it.
Maybe not to the tee, but I think I've got the majority of it down.

At the end of the day, it's not just me and you and an unraveling of daily happenings, nitty-gritty details, secrets spilled, stories told, happiness spoken, sadness felt, goals pursued, tomorrow's conquests starting to unfold.
It's not a completely raw and a completely open relationship.
And, because of that, I am uneasy and not at rest. 

There are things you keep from me.
Things you never open your mouth to tell me.
Things you purposefully keep - some mistakenly.
There are things you sugar coat.
Things you fib about - things have gone on behind my back.

I've often been completely baffled, up until now, of why I would meet, see, get to know or think about couples who are so comfortable around one another. 
So at peace, so happy, so confident, so in love.
And while my love for you, I am certain, surpasses anyone who has ever lived - I couldn't understand why I was not completely at peace, confident...at ease.

Deep down, however, I know what's going on. 
I find myself anxious, lacking self-confidence, bitter, frantic, at war constantly with myself and over our relationship because I never know exactly what is wrong, what to do, where to turn, what to say. 

What's worse is I've tried on numerous occasions to set things straight.
You know this. You may also be very annoyed by this.

But I'm still always looking for answers, assuming all the time - and Lord knows that makes things 100 times worse.
I'm still finding things out from other sources.
Some I find, others come upon me. 
Either way, I can't take finding things out, no matter how big or small, from second hand sources anymore. 

I can't believe even half the stuff I've swept under the rug for so long.
I had to know it would eventually eat me alive, self-destruct me and make everything explode in my face - just to keep you.

I find myself thinking of you all the time.
Yeah, you're right. That's nothing new.
But actually, it is.
I think about you all the time and all the mess that's going on in my head and sometimes, instead floating on cloud 9 with butterflies in my stomach that make me smile uncontrollably like I usually do with you-
I'm pissed off sometimes. Feeling walked on sometimes. Feeling taken for granted sometimes.
Not appreciated. Ignored.
Thrown in the back seat - bitter.

Feeling like a love sick f o o l.

Maybe you had an idea that I was feeling this way, maybe not.
But this is how I am feeling.

I'm stuck between and rock and a hard place because I don't want to force anything either but I feel that's how I am acting half to time.
Nothing should be forced.

I'm sick of talking the talk. I hate it.
I don't want to talk and write about the stuff we want to do, I want to do it.
I want to do them with you. I want to feel them. I want the absolute most real thing that is out there.

I hate being the one who has to wait.
I hate never being able to get ahold of you.
I hate bad communication.
I hate wondering.
I hate making excuses for you and us. 
I hate being the one who's always wanting and wishing for something to be said, something to happen.
I hate waiting for a call. Waiting for fairness and our efforts to be equal. 
I hate always assuming.
I hate finding out things that drive me to complete devastation. 

That's not what soul mates are.

That's not what soul mates do.
That's not what love is.
Not at all. 


And please forgive me here, but sometimes I feel like you're so wrapped up in your own life that you forget about all the things and people you're supposed to actually care about and love or about the things that make you, you.
When you're gone, we miss you like absolute crazy.
You have no idea how much love we have for you.

But maybe I've got it wrong.
But I can't wait anymore - I can't be like this anymore. I know I've been a lost soul for sometime now, and I know I am still learning and feeling my way - so my future is a little unclear right now. But one thing that has always been certain about it, without a doubt, is I want nothing more than for you to be in it and by my side, loving me, forever.

You know this.

No more enabling. No more sugar coating. No more being naive and running scared.
I'm not going there anymore. 
I'm saving myself. Sticking up for myself.
I'm trying to save us. Sticking up for us. 

But 'us' is a 2-way street. Something I don't think we've ever really had.
I don't want to come second anymore - to anything or anyone.

I just want us to make ourselves the greatest love possible.
The most magnificent love.

No more trust issues. I can't do that anymore.
They say that trust is like a piece of paper and once it's bent and crumbled up you can never get it perfectly straight again. 

I guess ultimately this is what I am trying to say: I want you, all of you – forever. 
While I’d like to add on, as I have done so many times before with “no matter what”, I cannot keep fooling the situation with that thought anymore. 

I am realizing I am at this place in my life now where I want to be independent, move, get on with my life. I don’t want to rely on anyone else other than me, myself…and you. 

Do you see what I am saying? 

I am ready to move on to bigger, better, more exciting things in my life. 
OUR life. 
Yes, I know we still have a few months until any plans are in motion, but -
I want us to be on our own – taking on the world together and being a force to be reckoned with. 
I'm not saying anything incredibly serious now. I'm not looking for titles, just sincerely committed to each others lives.
 Each other's #1 fans.

It's you and me and no one else.

Love is real. Love is raw and so deep.
It's the inner most thing in our soul - and when it's fake, taken for granted, unfaithful, untruthful...
That's when our hearts aren't whole.
And I am not living with anything less than a whole heart.

We need excitement and surprise and passion back.
We need us back.
I know it's hard living a distance relationship life, but you and I just growing up.
Please don't think I am saying this is all on you, or all your fault.
It's both of us, and I need your help so bad.
I know I need to, once and for all, let the past be the past - but sometimes I don't feel like the past is the past - but still haunting me today.

I know you always tell me not to worry, and I worry too much, and it will all be OK, and I have nothing to worry about.
But then little things will just keep happening. 

Can we get a new piece of paper?
Maybe I'm a helpless love nut.
But this is how I feel.
I love you and that's the truth.
Loving you always,