Monday, December 6, 2010

My Confessional:

"I guess you really did it this time,
Left yourself in your warpath.
Lost your balance on a tightrope.
Lost your mind trying to get it back..."

When people ask you: "What's wrong?", and this time there really is something wrong but you don't know what to say without sounding tongue tied, have you ever ultimately just wanted to stand up and scream: "EVERYTHING!!"?

But, instead, you settle for a fake smile and a "nothing".
Or sometimes, smirk and lightly shake your head to send the signal of 'nothing', without saying anything at all. 
Usually when I don't say anything at all is the time when I want to say something the most. 
But putting on a smile is easier than talking when you don't want to.

I'm a mind of such great complexity and I write because there is a voice inside me that will not stay still. 
It's an overpopulated place.
More and more I am finding that I'm not who I used to be just a short time ago. 
I find myself questioning mostly everything and everyone and not believing their words. 
I don't want to say that deep down I've become somewhat cynical to humanity, but it wouldn't be far off. 

A lot of times, in these past few years, I always keep falling back to confusion. Sometimes, I’m lost in this world, and to be completely honest, sometimes I don’t have the slightest idea of where I’m going, what I’m doing, and or who I am anymore.

Why do I always make the same mistakes?
The mistake to listen to people with shallow, vein, uneducated, empty minds.
Why does the thought of closed minded people make my blood boil?
Why can't I always listen to myself?
Why do I let the dark side of this world get to me?

I wish I knew how to make these feelings stop. 

It's like this:
I see all of this spark in certain people's eyes, this deep down passion.
I see all of this potential in people to make the world better, make their lives better.
We live in the 21st century people!
Currently, as I am breathing and writing my thoughts down like a mad woman, there lives some of the most talented, smartest, brilliant, most creative minds out there - with the most advanced devices that the world has ever seen...
And what else do I see?
People wasting it. Wasting it all.
Wasting their lives on petty things, being out of control lazy, complaining, giving up, not thinking things through, living off others, not taking responsibilities for their own lives and actions, making fun of others, hurting and even killing others for the most ridiculous things, selfishly wasting their own beautiful minds and God given talents, freedoms, and opportunities. 

What's the deal people?

People complain about our government - yet they didn't vote.
People voting sometimes don't even know what they are voting for. 
People spend money they don't have.
People live off the government and don't do anything to better themselves - live on their own. 
People cheat and cheat a lot. 
People lie and lie a lot. 
I find it so sad that people take love and walk all over it.

They take it for granted. They spit on it, swear at it, laugh at it.
They don't take it seriously. They cheat on it and are untruthful to it. 
They act like love isn't the most astounding, most magical miracle we can possess.

It just seems that more and more, day after day, people are caring less and less. 
I'm torn between the world of good and dreams and the world of darkness, greed and hate. 
I want to scream. I'm overwhelmed. There is so much at stake and so much to fight for. 
We live in a world with the most absurd 'normals' and the most judgmental people. 
Loving the same gender as you is immoral, being pretty is being thin, being thin is anorexic, being fat is lazy, naming calling like slut, whore, easy, sleazy, and fake is normal. You're nerdy with good grades, you're dumb with bad grades, what you wear is always judged and picked apart and scrutinized, people's thoughts and opinions are shut down, help is never there without something in return, manners seem to be falling by the wayside - and fast, communication skills have turned into rocket science to some, parenting is hardcore lacking and everywhere you turn 'you're not good enough'.
It's so sad and I've heard it said: it's hard to swim anywhere in such a shallow world. 
Yeah, it's really easy being brave, talking the talk, and judging from a distance.

 I've just noticed that there seems to be too much time spent wondering 'why am I not good enough'.
I am completely guilty of that, too. 
Hence, among other feelings, I don't know how to make this one stop. 


I keep asking myself:
Do you remember what fearless left like?
Being completely out of your mind petrified and jumping anyways?


I, I am of infinite worth!
And so is everyone else if they realize it.
I'm young and have the whole world at my finger tips. 
I'm done being paralyzed, caring about what shallow people think and scared for my life. 
This is no one else's life but mine and no one's opinion should matter anymore than my own. 
I'm done with empty promises and talking with no action. 

My advice: wear what you want, sing - and sing loud!
Dance everywhere.
Stop waiting for the weekend!
Stop waiting for the perfect opportunity.
Live it all now and live it proud. 
You can do whatever you want, whenever you want!
Open your mind to the world and educate yourself.
Form your own solid beliefs, opinions and goals - and stick to them. 
Don't be mean - there is absolutely no need for it!
Everyone is human, and for that fact alone, treat everyone with respect.

I didn't mean to generalize as much as I did here. 
Nor did I mean to toot my own horn, if that's the vibe you got. 
I am in no way shape or form perfect. But I am learning and all that I've just talked about is really crushing to see.
We all know that for as many 'crooked' people there are good.
And to them, hallelujah!

Up until now, I used to be upset by the fact that I didn't understand the motives and reasoning behind people and their actions. But now I see that my lack of normal humanity is what makes me great and true.
Those kind of people don't need to be in my life anyway. 

I'm taking this step up. 
I am hold myself to it. 
It's not easy, and to be honest, it hurts. But that's how I know I am doing the right thing - 
Because nothing good comes easy.

"It's alright, just wait and see. 
Your string of lights are still bright to me.
Who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent.
Today is never too late to be brand new..."
(Lyrics: Taylor Swift - Innocent)
Love always,