Sunday, September 19, 2010

Inhale. Exhale.

I don't know what I want to do with my life!

I feel so guilty to say that.
It's one of the scariest thoughts I've ever had, and I've been thinking this for quite some time now.
But, it's true.

I want to be done with school. 
I want to focus on myself and let myself breathe; enjoy life.

But every time I start to think of those brighter, blissful days...
Nothing but guilt comes to mind. 
At times, I've got to be honest, I feel like a failure.
I feel like I am slacking and letting myself down. 
Not living up to my 'potential'.
I feel like I've let the spirit, and the passion, of that little girl inside of me down...
The one who wanted to conquer the world saving one animal at a time.
But right here, right now - I don't know if becoming a vet is for me.

Do I think I can do it?
Of course.
Do I want to do it?
I don't know.

I'm tired.
I'm beat.
I'm burnt out.

But I just want to know why I am feeling so guilty if this is not what I want anymore.
Things change.
People change all the time. Places change everyday.
Thoughts, plans, ideas - all change. 
Season change. Moods change.
Dreams, goals, passions - all change. 
I've changed. 

Everything is changing, so why am I not allowing myself to change?
I know a big part of it is because it's all I've ever known and wanted. 
But I was really young and I guess you could say naive and ran with this dream like there was no tomorrow - no looking back - no checking to see if it was truly right for me.
The reality of it all came crashing down on me so hard when I started college.
The place where I found everything out. 

I'm doing fine in school.
Excellent, actually. 
But there has to be something said for when this goal you've had forever, your dream,
makes you unhappy, nervous, crazy, anxious,
you lose sleep worrying,
You're flat out not yourself anymore...
That should tell me something right there.

You'd think with all of the heart to heart I've had over the last three and a half years on this matter - 
I'd feel a little better about it.
But I don't.
Not at all.
It's really an unsettling issue in my life that seems to only get worse.

I've heard it said that you should measure your success by what you've had to give up in order to get where you are.
In that respect, I can't say I am too incredibly proud of where I am, or what I've done.
I'm on my third school, second major and not going to graduate on time. 
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It happens to so many people all the time. 
But I'm not proud of my situation. 
I just expected more from myself.

If it's meant to be, it will find a way.
Something can still be at anytime.
Something may be meant to be, just not right now.
And when all is said and done, and a deep breathe has been taken - that's OK.
I've changed, and always will be changing.
I've been learning more and more that the more you try and fight the change, the worse off you are.

I've been really learning you've got to be true to yourself, listen to yourself, treat yourself well.
Be proud of who you are!

I'm not healed.
I'm not brand new.
I don't know my way.
But, that's OK.
In time, I will be.
Love always,