She was strutting her stuff all year long and left nothing in her bag of tricks.
At times she literally was a bomb. A big one…that kept coming back to detonate and catch my path on fire. She kept coming back to knock me down - to test me.
Other times, she showed me moments that will be some of the most cherished times of my life. She was beautiful beyond words when she wanted to be – and for those moments, I am forever thankful for her.
I am thankful for the rough times she blindsided me with as well, don’t get me wrong. But thankful in a different way, a humbling way. I feel this 2011 diva has made me a hell of a lot stronger (did I just swear?), so much more brave, honest with myself – and in turn, the world.
There were nights when I swore this was the worst year of my life and told myself, “it can only get better from here on out” to get me through the night. There were other times when I remember screaming, “THIS IS THE BEST YEAR, EVER!!!” We all know I have a very wide range of emotions so don’t cringe when I tell you that 2011 stretched them out that much more. I am sticking with the latter for the most part – 2011 was one of the best teachers, drill sergeants, and door opener I have encountered yet.
2011 was all about finding what I was made of. This year has been about finding strength in myself.
I’ve been through a lot this year. I know it’s not even measureable compared to most, but a lot for me. I just wanted the things that I loved to stop slipping away from me. And then…they stopped. Just before more slipped away, and major change flooded my entire world.
{I struggled with what I really wanted and where I really wanted my life to go, I truly discovered what real heartbreak was, pushed myself too hard in school, rebuilt love, moved baby brother into college, graduated summa cum laude with that 4.0 I needed so badly and an hour later got engaged.
My Papa got sick, sister moved to London, I started to pack up my life, spent days with family at the hospital, witnessed a miracle, said goodbye to Ohio and my most favorite people ever – my parents, drove across the country with the love of my life and my two kitties and landed in Long Beach, California on September 21, 2011.
We got an apartment, I got a job, Cory started training, we FINALLY got our moving cube with all of our stuff in it (a week and a half late), we started to get “settled”, Cory got a job, Papa passed away, I left my job, got two others, sister moved to New Zealand, we cooked our first Thanksgiving dinner together, I turned 23 (freaky!), we moved again and then I found out that my beautiful sister got engaged to the love of her life.}
They say that all great changes are preceded by chaos.
Chaos. What a concept.
This year in my life, this part of my journey, told me to step up, shape up and grow up – NOW! Life waits for no one, baby.
I’ve allowed myself to be so restricted and distracted and weighed down by absurd things for a very long time. I’ve compromised most major decisions in my life because of other people.
Sitting here and really feeling it continue to absorb into me – I witnessed first hand a major change in who I am. I think that’s such a rare thing in life. We often have to look back to notice when and where we changed. I was so aware of every stretch and tug to my growth this year.
I saw many parts of my life that I was not proud of living anymore and I had to find the strength to start over. I hit a pivotal point where I tucked who I was into my memory and surrendered her to reality for what I was becoming.
But, here it is, the big one again - I really have compromised most major decisions in my life because of other people. Not because they forced me, but because I allowed my goals and dreams and strength to come second.
But this time…this time’s all for me.
Anchors are gone and come hell or high water I’m moving on and up.
2012, here’s to me, by me…for once.
Love always,
Mo
XOXO
