Tweeter, Tweeter Pumpkin Eater

March 2011
{My Twitter}
1. I should have known March was going to wind up being an extreme struggle...this was my first tweet: "It's kind of crazy how alone you can feel in a world filled with SO many people."

2. On Big Little Reveal Night in APO: "I love my BIG!! xoxo - Shelbi Zeller! #AlphaPhiOmega"

3. "Here's to Happiness: Bundling up on the couch with my cat, CSI on TV and some magazines in the afternoon."

4. "Burying myself in my bed of blankets until I have to get up and be brave again tomorrow."

5. If #4 was not an indication to me that things were about to go down hill, very fast, this one surely should have been: "Lately, quietness is best for me. I have finally admitted to myself I have lost my mind and am sure of nothing."

6. When all else fails, this DOES NOT: "Air guitar. In my room. Blasting music. Dancing. Screaming. #TaylorSwift. #TGIF. #Hallelujah"

7. Oh, hey, remember last month when I fixed Pam...yeah, well...: "Phantom windshield wipers...great. Another glitch to Pam." When you just want one swipe of them? Well I now get it five times in a row...and then they stop in the middle of the windshield...

8. Perhaps you all can relate..."Oh, HEY ZIT ON MY CHIN! You must be the friend of my stress. Well, welcome. I see you've already made yourself at home."

9. Before my rockstar sister jetted off to Korea for two weeks, I went to spend some time with her and the Columbus gang: "Columbus for the day and night to see my Sissy. I think I may fall into her arms and cry." (Thanks to John Franks for taking such good care of me that night!)

10. "Please help me get through this week." and "I feel sick because of school." I don't want to relive that week...ever...mainly because of: "While philosophy blows my mind every single day, I have gone insane trying to write 2, 6-page papers on material I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

11. "I was just told how great of a name I have, twice. Thank you. I like it too...a lot." But, lets be honest here...all the thanks and praise goes to Ma and Pa. They are the true creators of this GREAT name I have!

12. Here we are again: "Night after night I find myself back in my bed wondering where the day went. I need a lifestyle change but I still need to find the courage."

13. "Rain, rain, rain...for two days straight. But no worries, giant snow storm tonight. #Ohio" All was certainly not lost in these days -- I got to use my giant clear bubble umbrella! I love that thing! But I need rain boots (preferably Hunter Boots!!!) because: "...and I just stepped in the biggest puddle...not ever...but my sock is uncomfortably wet now."

14. And happiness was realized on a walk to class: "Honestly, my friends here at Akron, the people in my classes, and my professors are so amazing. Really make me so happy. #GoZips"

15. Note to self, always: "Self-realization: If I don't have #confidence in what I am doing, I (for lack of a better term) am screwed."

16. TRUTH: "Salad bars are the best!!!"

17. Forever: "I am ever so thankful for my parents. They are the best...BEST EVER. #Metforadrink"

15. Collapse: "It's only half past the point of no return."

16. This one is the worst one yet because I will forever remember exactly how I felt during this moment...all joking aside...I didn't know what else to do because my life was flipped upside down: "My head has not hurt that bad since I split my eyebrow open and got 23 stitches. What a horrible, horrible experience that was. (BUT...people seriously underestimate the magic and power of a cold cloth on the forehead and eyes...and a glass of water...)"
(Here is to show a comparison to how bad my head hurt:)

17. "I will never forgive myself forgiving up...but I didn't have any other choice. I'm just so exhausted...so dead inside, it's scary."

18. In the following days: "My two little cuddle monster boys have been by my side all day. I couldn't ask for anything else."

19. I have my Mom to thank for this one: "Can't sleep. Went to the fridge. THERE IS #CHOCOLATEMILKTHERE. Am I dreaming? NO! Ekkkkkk!!! :) 1:00 AM happiness." THANK YOU MOMMY.

20. "Margaritas with Liss and MCC make everything better. LOVE THEM!! xo"

21. Melissa took me to the movies for a date: "#TheAdjustmentBureau. Have you seen it? #Blewmymind Couple it with butter loaded popcorn and a large raspberry iced tea. (Thank you, Liss.)"

22. "@christinaperri, you're saving my life right now." and "Just bought #arms by @christinaperri. Repeat on [check]. Going to hide in my comfort zone and listen, forever." Listen to her here, she is amazing!!

23. "I just got the nicest care package ever. Thank you, @jbrady87 (Jess Brady). I am speechless. I love you." Music, candy and a notebook...she knows me all to well.

24. "My Mom is making chocolate chip cookies. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!" I love you Mom!!

25. "I am thankful that if my world had to come crashing to the ground, it did over break - because at least I'm not fighting two wars at once." Amen.


26. "Had lunch with my long lost Stephanie Buckwald. Wow...where does time go?"


27. I want to sleep, so bad. I just can't. "The only way I fall asleep these days is to wear myself out to the point just past extreme exhaustion."


28. "Oh. It's St. Patrick's Day? I almost forgot that it's my holiday. Luck O' the Irish. Kiss someone for me today."


29. "I'm laying out on my deck in leggings and a sweatshirt. It's cozy and the sun...I will forever be thankful for." The sun can do wonders. Heart shaped sun glasses and my 2011 notebook do the trick too!

30. "I just bought some pink roller skates. Would it be far fetched to say my life is complete?"

31. "I was just told by my boss that I was the best intern ever...so I at least have that going for me, eh?"

32. "RATS! The cough attacks start! I can always count on March for 2 things: I will get sick & my relationship will hit rocks or crash and burn." Want to hear something weird...March is when ALL of my problems arise. ALL. Creepy...

33. "Shopping party success at @jbrady87's homio :)" JB hosted a shopping party at her apartment - and it was so wonderful. I got the cutest coat and scarf! Good girl time as well, of course.

34. "Oops! Where did the chili con queso dip go?" Late, late night meet with my gang: Mom and Dad!

35. "Oh man! The moon is out tonight and it is so beautiful. My Mom is calling it the 'Super Moon'! :)" (March 19th)

36. "Did I mention I LOVE cuddling with the little monster cats? I think they love it too...a lot." Before work one day I took a 30 minute 'shut eye time' and my little babes joined. White Sox was the cutest thing I ever did see!

37. "Homework=pulling teeth...from myself. I am pathetic, need to get a grip, get over it and get the pointless/ridiculous work done."

38. And the next day...."MUST...GET...THIS...PAPER...DONE...struggling with great severity."

39. "It is 8 at night and light out. I like this...a lot." Spring, you're almost in full bloom!

40. "I LOVE this vintage, oversized Iowa sweatshirt :)"

41. "I feel extra smart when I do homework with Albert Einstein hair...I like to think that I've perfected it throughout the years."

42. "Field trip to B.A. Sweetie :) It is Laffy Taffy Time!"

43. "The Blimp is out! Goodyear Blimp...does this mean from here on out it's going to be a good year?! I'll just assume that! :)"

44. "Good morning Saturday. Good morning bed head. Good morning 11 question essay test that I need to get done TODAY. STAT!" Bed head...and a smile that is not consistent with my mood of this test. 

45. "Giggles of the day: Kingsford Goes to the Beach (future me) and Ryder Falling Asleep"

46. "It's a chilly willy one out today. Forgot my jacket and had to park super far from campus today. I looked silly (in a bad way) #Lessonlearned"

47. "WOW - Here is CERTAINLY to Happiness: I just got the most cheesiest bag of Doritos EVER! Licking my fingers after FOR SURE! Yuummmy!"

YES, I KNOW I AM NOT EATING HEALTHY LATELY!

48. "New addiction? Golden Oreos. MUST. GET. MORE."

49. "I've been sleeping most of the day. Thinking about more...and it's snowing out. I really have no comment here...oh, except this: #YUCK!"

50. "Why do I keep having re-occuring dreams of people taking things out of my wallet? #scary." Actually, I've been having really bad dreams all around lately. 

51. "This left droopy eye lid thing I have going on is...interesting. But not cool...not cool at all." Hahaha, I literally looked silly.

52. "Despite the 'WTF Mate' attitude about the rogue snow dump we just had, the trees are just jaw droppingly beautiful." I was running around campus at 8:00 in the morning snapping pictures. PAPARAZZI! 

53. "The pop culture lecture in my Intercultural Communication class today rocked my world :)"

54. "The streets of Akron are a rough and tumble way of life on my car :( Pot holes be gone!" Pam was ALMOST SWALLOWED WHOLE!

55. "March 2011 -- PEACE OUT!"

Broken trust and broken hearts. My illusion, my mistake.

"I was careless, I forgot.

When all is done, there is nothing to say. All we had is gone now. 

Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken."

I can't believe it's over. I watched everything fall apart right in front of my face.
I wished I had known that these were the final days...and I wished I had made myself come to grips with the fact that nothing lasts forever...the good things never really last.
I don't know who we are anymore, in the blink of an eye.
I never thought we'd truly end up like this. 

I know you say everything is fine.

But I know better than that.

I know I say I am fine.

But you know better than that.


I was always right by your side, no matter what.
I rode beside you until you completely lost me and left me.

While the most honest truth of matter is that I'm not all into the idea of living without you, I must.
But I cannot keep waiting for things, that I still need to admit to myself, may never be.
I honestly don't know if this is killing me or making me stronger.
I just don't know...
What bites the big one the most is knowing that I wasn't worth the truth.
At least to that person...

"Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

"Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on." 

Eckhart Tolle

Through all of this...I was always so scared that it was just me that never could keep it together and that it was all just so much to take. But then I learned something important. Sometimes you're not supposed to try and save everything or try and stop everything from happening. I think sometimes you're supposed to feel completely beaten to death. I think you need to lose it all - ALL - and see people for their real true selves (even people you don't know...and now never - EVER - want to know) to get it through your head that in the world, some people are so awful and always will be. 

I needed to learn all of this in order to get to that next step...that next part of 'me'.

I want you to know that it's OK to be lost and it's OK to mess up and it's OK to make a mistake.

It's OK to trip, and to struggle.

But it's not OK to not do anything about it. It's not OK to continue wrong. It's not OK to mess with people's lives, hearts, emotions, dreams like that.

I want you to know too that you're no where near alone.

I am lost too, and I have been for so long. You know that.

I will always be there for you and we can get lost together and be lost together.

This has been the longest week, ever.
I've learned that there are some pretty sad, conniving, fake, pitiful people out there who will never get it. I feel bad for them.

But I need to start to rebuild everything. 
I guess sometimes you have to be your own hero, and save yourself. Here goes nothing...


Love always,
Mo
XOXO

"You lied and you lied and I died and I died - and now you know why."

This is not a moment of victory for me.
This is not a moment of relief for me, either.
This is a moment of complete devastation where I am in utter shock that we are here - back here - again...
This is a joke. So is the accomplice.
Only difference is, I've never felt this alone, this scared, this angry, this sad, this betrayed, this lifeless.
You have no idea how much pain I am feeling right now and how much pain you've put me through.
Reality hit and I realized that I was just taking sweet, tender sips of nothingness from you. 
I know empty promises will always wear. 
I was just wasting time on your words. 
And all I ever did was give you the forgiveness and chances back to back to back. 
Yet, all I ever got was the feeling of massive let downs. 
Things just kept getting worse and worse. 
My precious, beautiful, love was ripped away from me. It is lost and it is broken. 
My favorite thing about life is gone - selfishly - without my control. 
And it breaks my heart every single time I think about where we are now. The only thing I am trying to shake now is how I am still missing you to complete death. 
"You lost the love I loved the most."
But here we are. Nothing I can do anymore. 
What scares me the most is that I let you go and I wonder if you'll come chasing after me.
I mean, you never begged me to stay. You've never really fought for me. How am I to know?
I don't know what to think anymore, about anything.
You're living a double life.
Aside from that, the worst feeling ever is now not believing in something that I thought was unquestionable.
"You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade..."

Thought you were stronger. Thought WE were stronger.

Thought you were better than that. Thought people looked up to you and believed in you. 

I'll never forget when we loved effortlessly.

Just know that whatever happens next, whether your promise is kept this time or not, I will never be anything but grateful for having you in my life and for every second spent with you.

Although I keep tripping over my words and searching for the right ones, I just want you to know that I honestly tried my hardest every single day and gave you more than I had.

Forever xo.

"If you could envision the meaning of a tragedy, You might be surprised to hear it's you and me."

I just want to know I am not crazy. 
I just want to know I am enough.
I just want to know why.
I just want to know what I did...what I can do.
I just want to know that everything is OK with myself.
I just want to know how to deal.
I just want to know how to not feel this immense pain.
I just want to know how someone can do this.
I just want to know how not to feel this embarrassment that I feel.
...the fool in love. The taken for granted one. The walked on. The pitied girl.
...the typical situation. 
I just want to know how to breathe.
I just want to know that love is real.
I just want this headache to go away.
I just want the tears to stop.
I just want to sleep.
I just want to have a relaxing thought.
I just want to know what you were thinking.
I just want to know if you knew how much you were killing me inside.
I just want to know why you've kept me around all these years.
I just want to know that I haven't been living a lie for years and years and years. 
I just want to know where to go.
I just want to feel like I am not about to pull my hair out.
I just want to feel like my efforts, my undying love for you was worth it. 
I just want to know the truth.
I just want to feel the trust.
If you never know truth then you never know love. 
I just want to know there are good people out there.
I just want to know I am not alone.
I just want to know when it will get easier.
I just want to feel normal.
I just to feel missed. I want to FEEL missed...
I just want to feel wanted. Head over heals wanted. Smitten.
I just want to feel special...beautiful...feel like I'm the only one. 
I just want to know that I am loved.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel what I gave to you: my heart, my soul, my life, my forever, my infinite amount of love.

Most of all...I want to believe with everything I have what you told me as I was saying goodbye.
I will pray, with everything I have.

"When it comes down to it, you never made the most of it.

Forgive and forget you a thousand times
For the fire and the sleepless nights
And I wont be made a fool of...
Don't call this love!"
Lyrics (including title): Tragedy by Christina Perri