New Year, New You {Two}

2011 was a bombshell.

She was strutting her stuff all year long and left nothing in her bag of tricks.

At times she literally was a bomb. A big one…that kept coming back to detonate and catch my path on fire. She kept coming back to knock me down - to test me.

Other times, she showed me moments that will be some of the most cherished times of my life. She was beautiful beyond words when she wanted to be – and for those moments, I am forever thankful for her.

I am thankful for the rough times she blindsided me with as well, don’t get me wrong. But thankful in a different way, a humbling way. I feel this 2011 diva has made me a hell of a lot stronger (did I just swear?), so much more brave, honest with myself – and in turn, the world.

There were nights when I swore this was the worst year of my life and told myself, “it can only get better from here on out” to get me through the night. There were other times when I remember screaming, “THIS IS THE BEST YEAR, EVER!!!” We all know I have a very wide range of emotions so don’t cringe when I tell you that 2011 stretched them out that much more. I am sticking with the latter for the most part – 2011 was one of the best teachers, drill sergeants, and door opener I have encountered yet.

2011 was all about finding what I was made of. This year has been about finding strength in myself.

I’ve been through a lot this year. I know it’s not even measureable compared to most, but a lot for me. I just wanted the things that I loved to stop slipping away from me. And then…they stopped. Just before more slipped away, and major change flooded my entire world.

{I struggled with what I really wanted and where I really wanted my life to go, I truly discovered what real heartbreak was, pushed myself too hard in school, rebuilt love, moved baby brother into college, graduated summa cum laude with that 4.0 I needed so badly and an hour later got engaged.

My Papa got sick, sister moved to London, I started to pack up my life, spent days with family at the hospital, witnessed a miracle, said goodbye to Ohio and my most favorite people ever – my parents, drove across the country with the love of my life and my two kitties and landed in Long Beach, California on September 21, 2011.

We got an apartment, I got a job, Cory started training, we FINALLY got our moving cube with all of our stuff in it (a week and a half late), we started to get “settled”, Cory got a job, Papa passed away, I left my job, got two others, sister moved to New Zealand, we cooked our first Thanksgiving dinner together, I turned 23 (freaky!), we moved again and then I found out that my beautiful sister got engaged to the love of her life.}

They say that all great changes are preceded by chaos.

Chaos. What a concept.

This year in my life, this part of my journey, told me to step up, shape up and grow up – NOW! Life waits for no one, baby.

I’ve allowed myself to be so restricted and distracted and weighed down by absurd things for a very long time. I’ve compromised most major decisions in my life because of other people.

Sitting here and really feeling it continue to absorb into me – I witnessed first hand a major change in who I am. I think that’s such a rare thing in life. We often have to look back to notice when and where we changed. I was so aware of every stretch and tug to my growth this year.

I saw many parts of my life that I was not proud of living anymore and I had to find the strength to start over. I hit a pivotal point where I tucked who I was into my memory and surrendered her to reality for what I was becoming.

But, here it is, the big one again - I really have compromised most major decisions in my life because of other people. Not because they forced me, but because I allowed my goals and dreams and strength to come second.

But this time…this time’s all for me.

Anchors are gone and come hell or high water I’m moving on and up.

2012, here’s to me, by me…for once.

Love always, 

Mo

XOXO

The story of a past. And the rush of honesty. {One}

My past and my sincere honestly.

I ran across this ‘story’ a long time ago, read it, and quickly hid it so no one would see that I was actually reading this pathetic thing. I got a sinking feeling that I was meant to find it because it was about me. I had to get it out of the public now! I hid it in my notebook and held on to it for years. The few times that I ran back across it, I cringed because I knew that was me…still.

Here is a heap of some deep honesty of a moment in time that was labeled: me. 

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

Favorite

I would have to say that my eyes are my favorite, or one of my favorite parts of me -

Simply because of how they see the world.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

I believe:

"It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

Always remember who you really are.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

I always know exactly what to say....until I have to say it.

But I think...


I think it's about forgiveness. 


I've never done anything this hard before. Perhaps that means it's the most worthwhile thing I've encountered yet. When every minute spent with you is my new favorite moment...when "everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life"...the time is now, or it's almost here. 


Seeing there is still good in the world starts with me believing there is good in the world. 
Hard things come into our lives, I must believe, to test us - not to see how fast we can run away.
Hard things come into our lives to stare us straight in the face and ask us at point blank...
         how much strength are you made of? How much guts do you have? What kind of person are you?
Let me see that courage. Let me see what you're made of. 


Excuses mean nothing to me. The aftermath shows the true colors. 


And if by chance you're sitting in a classroom full of your fellow classmates, while the professor is taking you step by step through one of the most real feeling experiences of your life - all while your bottom is planted firmly in a chair - and you start to cry because the feelings you're experiencing are so alive and real...you may have just realized - it's time. 


"To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness, and may very well be the greatest secret in this universe."

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

Imma justa layin' here thinkin'

Thinkin' about life. 
Thinkin' about people.
Thinkin' about change. 
Thinkin' about myself makin' a change. 
I am so thankful. 

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

It's time to take a risk, sweetheart.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

Bliss Loves,

You all warm my heart and soul with your comments/compliments you send my way. 
I sincerely want you to know that I get goosebumps, butterflies and giggly when I read them.


Aside from my deep desire to keep my creative juices flowing, and my life nothing short of exhilarating - I hope my blog helps you more than imaginable. 
With that said, I know sometimes I get down and what seems to be out. 
I know some pass along their well wishes and support - and I want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for that, too.


Please know that I write all that I do because it helps me sort/organize/re-focus/move on. 
If I don't write to release my thoughts, I promise you, I will go insane. 
Perhaps my mind 'dump' will help you in some way too?


I've just been learning, as I've been growing, that I cannot keep certain things inside of me. 
It's extremely unhealthy for me. 
I used to try to keep my emotions, feelings, anger and sadness built up inside of me until I would explode.
When that happened, well...for one you did not want to be in the vicinity and, two, at that point nothing got solved, or was so far past the point of surviving.
I would just let things eat away at me, fester, deteriorate in my mind, ever so quietly, like some sort of undetectable mental illness.


Awhile back I read: "You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be."
Part of my writings is to get to that next place. Where I need to be - where I want to be. 
You've got to think, explore, sit with yourself, ask yourself tough questions, believe and get to the next part of you. 
So, in my wordy, 'round about way, please know that what I write - good or bad - is a release for nothing but the better.


Have a fabulous Monday. Rock on!

P.S. Utah Adventures (FINALLY) coming this week.

Along with this rocking weekend I just had (AKA Baby BroBro graduating/family galore)

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

Why Bliss?

Many of you, and new comments I've been receiving, have been asking me - why is my blog named Bliss?


This little world of mine over here got its name 'Bliss' for two reasons, and two reasons only.
First, Bliss is my FAVORITE word, ever. (Soon to be with me forever via a tattoo!)
Over the years, starting in ninth grade, I started to form this weird love for words. I really like using a thesaurus, a dictionary, learning new complicated words, speaking with a fun vocabulary - but mainly I like to learn words that I think have beautiful meaning behind them. Bliss is my love. It's beautiful to say, and its meaning is perfect. 
Second, Bliss is what I strive to live my days in. 
Bliss: prefect happiness; great joy. 

Love always,

Mo

xoxo

I want to build an Empire.

Yes.

The creative juices are flowing - this is going to be amazing.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

A {finals} Week in the Life of Morgan.

Shower? What's that?

Legs...are...hairy. Is that proper of me to say? I only speak the truth!

Nails bitten so low I'll be surprised if I haven't ruined them for good. 

Messy bun is permanently on top of my head. (No, wait...that's everyday. My bad.)

Room has been officially declared a hazardous zone (complete with 'DANGER No Trespassing' rope. I just don't want to be sued for someone breaking a leg, or something worse, in my room because the ground cannot be seen and you have no idea what pair of jeans or what shoe may decide to jump up and trip you). 

Poor Pam, THE Grand Am, is coming dangerously close to the same fate...hazardous zone. And she has to listen to me talk to myself quite a bit.

Peanut butter and jelly morning, noon and night. (Actually, I would like to take this time to thank my Mom for her AMAZING dinners. She is the reason I have any kind of nutrients in my body this week.)
A big thanks is in order for my whole family for putting up with me!

My mind could, hands down, beat any world record for how fast it races.

My stress and anxiety levels are, I'm sure, unchartable. 

Hand cramps and butt cramps. 

My favorite pair of jeans have been worn one too many times. 

Classmates and friends, I am sorry you've had to witness (and maybe even smell) my old hoodie that I have seemed to wear for four days straight. You'll be happy to know it is currently in the dirty clothes pile. 

Constant jittery bounce of the right leg. (CONSTANT)

I had to revert back to the good old Webster's Dictionary for the definition of sleep the other day. It is defined as follows: (noun): a condition of body and mind such as that which typically recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is relatively inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscles relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended. It's funny because I started to think that it meant you sit in your bed until the early morning hours and strain your eyes by staring wide eyed at notecards, the computer screen, or a textbook while trying to jam everything into your noggin. Wow, was I wrong. 

When I actually do participate in the activity of sleep, I wake up still thinking about what I've been studying. I think it's my own weird way of performing osmosis. Whatever floats your boat, right?

The e-mail is checked no less than 10 times a day (yes, I am over exaggerating slightly). It's probably more like 9. 

Double, triple (dare I say quadruple) checking of online submissions that they were sent and received! 

I rarely blog...and this is the saddest fact of them all. 

I teach my cats what Uncertainty Reduction Theory is, what enculturation is, and rehearse a lot of really big philosophy terms that I know they were just pretending to understand what I was talking about just to help me study. (They're the best).

And every morning I pump myself up for the day ahead by going to the mirror and making "tough guy" faces. Followed by my "going insane face". 

And then I pretty much say to myself...wow, there's something is wrong with you. 

BUT, other than that...my life is fairly normal :) 

Anyways, over and out.

Mo

Keep on keepin' on...

Hello.

My name is I Don't Ever Sleep Anymore, it's nice to meet you, 2 am.

No, no, it's not by choice. That's just my name that was given to me from my unthought out choice of taking a million and two classes this semester. 

Anyways, is this what it's like at this time of night...morning? (I don't even know your proper time of day you're so foreign to me, my apologizes.)

But, I have to admit, you're kind of lovely with your quiet breeze coming in through my window, darkness that lets me focus. 

I thought I'd just introduce myself since we'll probably be seeing quite a bit of each other for the next week and a half. 

Yeah, homework, finals...you know, the works. 

Yeah, I know, nine papers is along the lines of completely absurd. 

Anyways, I better go. I am trying to finish a paper and get a few hours of sleep before day breaks to head off to school again.

Plus, I am sitting here in my bed literally thinking I am conversing with a time of day...

Yep. Until next time, lover. 

Peace.

"Every breath we drew was hallelujah"

Free Spirit n:

1. a person with a highly individual or unique attitude, lifestyle, or imagination; nonconformist

2. a person who lives according to his or her own wishes and beliefs, unconstrained by society's conventions 

I love my life.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

In Defense of Social Networks:

I'll make this short, I promise.

But, lately, I've been hearing people talk bad about our new 'social networks' we have on the computer.

I hear people talk about all of the obsessions with new technology and how it's driving our society into the ground.

(Mainly my professors, and some occasional classmates...but friends, too.)

Anyways, while I agree to an extent that they are making things less personal, people are losing key communication skills, forgetting proper english, wasting time and it causes silly, silly drama - I have to admit, I love my facebook, new twitter, and, OF COURSE, my blog!

For me, I love them because they allow me to document, discover, release, keep in touch, meet new people, get inspired, inspire, be my creative self, and...it's fun!

I can't speak for the people who are perhaps giving these new tools a bad name. 

But you'll have that with anything - people abusing things, overusing things, people not knowing when to put it away.

Also, those 'people' are who they are and so be it. 

It's not bothering me because, for one, I don't let it, and two, it would be silly to let it bother me. 

I can't control them just as much as I can't control the weather. 
Plus, who am I (who are we) to judge and tell people what they should and shouldn't do with their own facebooks, twitters, etc? I mean, if you really don't like it, don't do it yourself, or don't involve yourself with the people who are driving you crazy.

Additionally, I make sure that I remain personal in face-to-face interactions, keep my 'english and communication skills' running and I don't participate in drama. Wasting time, however, well...I like to follow the general rule of thumb:

"Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted." (John Lennon)

Besides, you've got to have a little down time here and there!

But, my point, I think these social network tools that we have are really cool and bring that much more into my life that I wasn't able to see, or have, before. Advancements are apart of life but they aren't all of life. 

But, that's just me! 
Thanks for letting me run my mouth, as always.

Peace Out!

(My beloved Macbook, with a background from you know who!)

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

You know how most of us always say:

"if it's meant to be it will find a way"? 

and 

"everything happens for a reason"?

I feel like these saying are just comfort thoughts and security nets for the mind when a rough day comes along or something didn't go the way we had hoped. 
Or, when something so wonderful happens to us. We call it 'meant to be'! Fate!

Atleast...that's just how I used to use them...or still do use them.
I do believe in them. I think they're true.
But we must act on these reasons and ways.

But the more I got to thinking about it the more I felt a discomfort with it.

I felt in my mind they had more of a "it is what it is, it will work itself out" message behind them.

. . . . . . . . 

What will work ITself out? What is IT?
Yeah, it will all work out if I make it happen!?
Maybe it is just me being my hard hitting, 'better move it or lose it' attitude - 
But I don't like to think that everything will just be OK if I haven't exhausted all other resources yet.
I feel like me saying all of this is showing that I don't have faith in God and that I don't believe he is in our lives,
because that is not the case, AT ALL.
I believe in God.
I have somewhat formed this unfinished theory that God created us and gave us all our own bodies and minds, hearts and souls fully equipped and ready to go - once we discover, or create, who we really are, our world around us and how to use our God given tools correctly. 
That's why I believe we have free will. 
I feel like things happen to us because of our actions, attitudes, and who and what we surround ourselves with.
God couldn't have just placed us here to be creatures that just go through the motions of life.
No. I can't even begin to think that's even an option. 
God had to of put us here to exert ourselves to be extraordinary beings. 


I don't believe that he 'steering' us on our path in life, but rather we are to make our own paths in life and he will help us when we call to him in prayer, and he will help us when we ask for his advice, and he will comfort us when we are lonely or sad, and he will love us, unconditionally. 


Maybe I am relating him to an actual parental unit. 
You know how our parents are always trying to give us the best, and support us and try to steer us in the right direction?
They are always there to help us out when we need it.
But, ultimately, our lives are our own and our own responsibility. 


I feel like, on a much bigger scale (obviously) that this is what God is doing. 
I just cannot justify God having a set plan for us all - predestination. 
I cannot agree with that...
Like right as I am sitting here my life is planned out completely?
Doesn't it seem like life, and all the ups and downs that are involved, would be so much more meaningful if we did everything ourselves.
And when we need help, our Almighty Father will be there.
I just have to think that life is a destination unknown, and not a final destination. 


Yes, maybe God is placing something in my life to show me something, give me a sign, help me learn and make the right decision - and then there are times when the craziest coincidences happen. Like something was just handed to me that I did not expect to happen. 
But isn't the decision ultimately up to me to act on it? 
Or maybe all of these philosophy classes are seriously messing with my mind.


Lastly, I will just say, I really think that "we're fully responsible for all of the talent that has been entrusted in us" - Henri Frederic Amiel.


What do you think? Let me know.
Thank you for letting me think out loud. Perhaps I will be back with more.
I did not mean to offend anyone whatsoever, I understand and respect the fact that we all believe differently - 
I am just trying to sort things out for myself, so let me know what you believe.  :)

Love always,
Mo
XOXO

Dear Young at Heart Morgan,

I miss you.

I feel like you've left me.
Perhaps I've let you down.


I need your help.
I need you to remind me that my dreams still have no limits.
I need you to remind me that in this world, anything is possible.
Help keep my heart full and mind spinning. 


I need you to stay with me forever. 

Don't ever grow up, don't ever leave, don't ever change.
Don't ever stop exploring, searching, laughing, and smiling - feeling amazed at life. 

Don't ever stop dreaming heavy with that fire in your eyes. 
Never loose that immense amount of passion you have in your soul. 
Above all, don't ever - EVER - stop loving.
Promise me you'll be with me forever. 

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

My 2011 Notebook

My Aunt from Seattle got me this amazing notebook from the Seattle Market.

I have used it extremely light up until now.

It's my new 'everything' notebook.

I constantly must have paper and pen on me at all times (like my camera) incase something of sporadic brilliance pops into my noggin.

OR I need to write down important times, dates, etc. 

It's so authentic and creative - it will serve being my 2011 Everything Notebook so well.

Love always,

Mo

XOXO

Last Thing.

Today is Monday.

I slept in, had some toast for breakfast and went to call you to say hi.

No answer.

I watched a movie. 

I laughed. I almost cried. I thought of you.
I went to school.
I thought of you a lot.

I looked beside me for you, but I was alone.

I tried to call you again.

No answer. 

I miss you, but where are you?


So I write. I begin to do the one thing that truly come natural to me.
I just start to write.
I write to you, like I always do.
I have always thought, and believed, that love is the greatest thing anyone can experience and live in. 

Falling in love is amazing, and falling in love with you is still the greatest memory I hold. 

Being in love with you on the other hand, I feel, will always be the greatest feeling I will ever feel. 

I know I am a little more on the sensitive side than most people. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve and spill my heart out so much more than most people. You know this. And while I have caught myself saying, “I wish I didn’t care so much”, or “I wish things wouldn’t get to me so much”, or with the feeling that I wish I knew how to put myself first, even before my loved ones, in certain situations. 

The fact is, I can’t. I don’t know how to not care so much. I don't know how to put myself first. I don’t know how to not let certain things get to me like they do. They’re obviously getting to me for a reason, which is, I care about the matter very deeply. 

The bottom line is, it’s who I am. 

You know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. 

Lately, though, I haven’t been myself.

Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. 

And when I say lately, what I really mean is for quite some time now. 

Truth be told - I am nothing short of completely wiped out. 

I miss you with every beat of my heart. 

You're my home. 

I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world. 

You’re, without a doubt, my most f a v o r i t e thing about life.

___________

But something is off. Something is not quite right. 

No matter how hard I try to fight the feeling off, I’m left with the feeling that something has got to give. 

I have no idea what to do or how to do it, but I know we have to do something. 

If we don’t, I’m afraid we'll self-destruct and all we are will be broken.

I am an emotional, frantic train wreck. 
I'm a mess.

There. I said it. I admit it.

I have literally gone off the deep end. 

I'm anxious and crazy and nervous and sad and uncertain and haunted and lost.

I think I've pin pointed it.

Maybe not to the tee, but I think I've got the majority of it down.

At the end of the day, it's not just me and you and an unraveling of daily happenings, nitty-gritty details, secrets spilled, stories told, happiness spoken, sadness felt, goals pursued, tomorrow's conquests starting to unfold.

It's not a completely raw and a completely open relationship.

And, because of that, I am uneasy and not at rest. 

There are things you keep from me.

Things you never open your mouth to tell me.

Things you purposefully keep - some mistakenly.

There are things you sugar coat.

Things you fib about - things have gone on behind my back.

I've often been completely baffled, up until now, of why I would meet, see, get to know or think about couples who are so comfortable around one another. 

So at peace, so happy, so confident, so in love.

And while my love for you, I am certain, surpasses anyone who has ever lived - I couldn't understand why I was not completely at peace, confident...at ease.

Deep down, however, I know what's going on. 

I find myself anxious, lacking self-confidence, bitter, frantic, at war constantly with myself and over our relationship because I never know exactly what is wrong, what to do, where to turn, what to say. 

What's worse is I've tried on numerous occasions to set things straight.
You know this. You may also be very annoyed by this.

But I'm still always looking for answers, assuming all the time - and Lord knows that makes things 100 times worse.

I'm still finding things out from other sources.

Some I find, others come upon me. 

Either way, I can't take finding things out, no matter how big or small, from second hand sources anymore. 

I can't believe even half the stuff I've swept under the rug for so long.

I had to know it would eventually eat me alive, self-destruct me and make everything explode in my face - just to keep you.

I find myself thinking of you all the time.
Yeah, you're right. That's nothing new.
But actually, it is.
I think about you all the time and all the mess that's going on in my head and sometimes, instead floating on cloud 9 with butterflies in my stomach that make me smile uncontrollably like I usually do with you-
I'm pissed off sometimes. Feeling walked on sometimes. Feeling taken for granted sometimes.
Not appreciated. Ignored.
Thrown in the back seat - bitter.

Feeling like a love sick f o o l.

Maybe you had an idea that I was feeling this way, maybe not.
But this is how I am feeling.

I'm stuck between and rock and a hard place because I don't want to force anything either but I feel that's how I am acting half to time.
Nothing should be forced.

______________

I'm sick of talking the talk. I hate it.

I don't want to talk and write about the stuff we want to do, I want to do it.

I want to do them with you. I want to feel them. I want the absolute most real thing that is out there.

I hate being the one who has to wait.
I hate never being able to get ahold of you.
I hate bad communication.
I hate wondering.
I hate making excuses for you and us. 

I hate being the one who's always wanting and wishing for something to be said, something to happen.
I hate waiting for a call. Waiting for fairness and our efforts to be equal. 

I hate always assuming.

I hate finding out things that drive me to complete devastation. 


That's not what soul mates are.

That's not what soul mates do.

That's not what love is.

Not at all. 

________________

And please forgive me here, but sometimes I feel like you're so wrapped up in your own life that you forget about all the things and people you're supposed to actually care about and love or about the things that make you, you.
When you're gone, we miss you like absolute crazy.
You have no idea how much love we have for you.

But maybe I've got it wrong.
But I can't wait anymore - I can't be like this anymore. I know I've been a lost soul for sometime now, and I know I am still learning and feeling my way - so my future is a little unclear right now. But one thing that has always been certain about it, without a doubt, is I want nothing more than for you to be in it and by my side, loving me, forever.

You know this.

______________

No more enabling. No more sugar coating. No more being naive and running scared.

I'm not going there anymore. 

I'm saving myself. Sticking up for myself.

I'm trying to save us. Sticking up for us. 

But 'us' is a 2-way street. Something I don't think we've ever really had.

I don't want to come second anymore - to anything or anyone.

I just want us to make ourselves the greatest love possible.

The most magnificent love.

No more trust issues. I can't do that anymore.
They say that trust is like a piece of paper and once it's bent and crumbled up you can never get it perfectly straight again. 

I guess ultimately this is what I am trying to say: I want you, all of you – forever. 

While I’d like to add on, as I have done so many times before with “no matter what”, I cannot keep fooling the situation with that thought anymore. 

I am realizing I am at this place in my life now where I want to be independent, move, get on with my life. I don’t want to rely on anyone else other than me, myself…and you. 

Do you see what I am saying? 

I am ready to move on to bigger, better, more exciting things in my life. 

OUR life. 
Yes, I know we still have a few months until any plans are in motion, but -

I want us to be on our own – taking on the world together and being a force to be reckoned with. 
I'm not saying anything incredibly serious now. I'm not looking for titles, just sincerely committed to each others lives.
 Each other's #1 fans.


It's you and me and no one else.

Love is real. Love is raw and so deep.
It's the inner most thing in our soul - and when it's fake, taken for granted, unfaithful, untruthful...
That's when our hearts aren't whole.
And I am not living with anything less than a whole heart.

We need excitement and surprise and passion back.
We need us back.
I know it's hard living a distance relationship life, but you and I just growing up.
Please don't think I am saying this is all on you, or all your fault.
It's both of us, and I need your help so bad.
I know I need to, once and for all, let the past be the past - but sometimes I don't feel like the past is the past - but still haunting me today.

I know you always tell me not to worry, and I worry too much, and it will all be OK, and I have nothing to worry about.

But then little things will just keep happening. 

Can we get a new piece of paper?
Maybe I'm a helpless love nut.
But this is how I feel.
I love you and that's the truth.

Loving you always,

Mo

XOXO

My Confessional:

"I guess you really did it this time,

Left yourself in your warpath.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.

Lost your mind trying to get it back..."

Question: 

When people ask you: "What's wrong?", and this time there really is something wrong but you don't know what to say without sounding tongue tied, have you ever ultimately just wanted to stand up and scream: "EVERYTHING!!"?

But, instead, you settle for a fake smile and a "nothing".
Or sometimes, smirk and lightly shake your head to send the signal of 'nothing', without saying anything at all. 
Usually when I don't say anything at all is the time when I want to say something the most. 
But putting on a smile is easier than talking when you don't want to.


I'm a mind of such great complexity and I write because there is a voice inside me that will not stay still. 
It's an overpopulated place.
More and more I am finding that I'm not who I used to be just a short time ago. 
I find myself questioning mostly everything and everyone and not believing their words. 
I don't want to say that deep down I've become somewhat cynical to humanity, but it wouldn't be far off. 


A lot of times, in these past few years, I always keep falling back to confusion. Sometimes, I’m lost in this world, and to be completely honest, sometimes I don’t have the slightest idea of where I’m going, what I’m doing, and or who I am anymore.

Why do I always make the same mistakes?
The mistake to listen to people with shallow, vein, uneducated, empty minds.
Why does the thought of closed minded people make my blood boil?
Why can't I always listen to myself?
Why do I let the dark side of this world get to me?

I wish I knew how to make these feelings stop. 


It's like this:
I see all of this spark in certain people's eyes, this deep down passion.
I see all of this potential in people to make the world better, make their lives better.
We live in the 21st century people!
Currently, as I am breathing and writing my thoughts down like a mad woman, there lives some of the most talented, smartest, brilliant, most creative minds out there - with the most advanced devices that the world has ever seen...
And what else do I see?
People wasting it. Wasting it all.
Wasting their lives on petty things, being out of control lazy, complaining, giving up, not thinking things through, living off others, not taking responsibilities for their own lives and actions, making fun of others, hurting and even killing others for the most ridiculous things, selfishly wasting their own beautiful minds and God given talents, freedoms, and opportunities. 


What's the deal people?


People complain about our government - yet they didn't vote.
People voting sometimes don't even know what they are voting for. 
People spend money they don't have.
People live off the government and don't do anything to better themselves - live on their own. 
People cheat and cheat a lot. 
People lie and lie a lot. 
I find it so sad that people take love and walk all over it.

They take it for granted. They spit on it, swear at it, laugh at it.

They don't take it seriously. They cheat on it and are untruthful to it. 

They act like love isn't the most astounding, most magical miracle we can possess.

It just seems that more and more, day after day, people are caring less and less. 
I'm torn between the world of good and dreams and the world of darkness, greed and hate. 
I want to scream. I'm overwhelmed. There is so much at stake and so much to fight for. 
We live in a world with the most absurd 'normals' and the most judgmental people. 
Loving the same gender as you is immoral, being pretty is being thin, being thin is anorexic, being fat is lazy, naming calling like slut, whore, easy, sleazy, and fake is normal. You're nerdy with good grades, you're dumb with bad grades, what you wear is always judged and picked apart and scrutinized, people's thoughts and opinions are shut down, help is never there without something in return, manners seem to be falling by the wayside - and fast, communication skills have turned into rocket science to some, parenting is hardcore lacking and everywhere you turn 'you're not good enough'.
It's so sad and I've heard it said: it's hard to swim anywhere in such a shallow world. 
Yeah, it's really easy being brave, talking the talk, and judging from a distance.


 I've just noticed that there seems to be too much time spent wondering 'why am I not good enough'.
I am completely guilty of that, too. 
Hence, among other feelings, I don't know how to make this one stop. 


BUT WHATEVER!!!


I keep asking myself:
Do you remember what fearless left like?
Being completely out of your mind petrified and jumping anyways?


_____________________


I, I am of infinite worth!
And so is everyone else if they realize it.
I'm young and have the whole world at my finger tips. 
I'm done being paralyzed, caring about what shallow people think and scared for my life. 
This is no one else's life but mine and no one's opinion should matter anymore than my own. 
I'm done with empty promises and talking with no action. 


My advice: wear what you want, sing - and sing loud!
Dance everywhere.
Stop waiting for the weekend!
Stop waiting for the perfect opportunity.
Live it all now and live it proud. 
You can do whatever you want, whenever you want!
Open your mind to the world and educate yourself.
Form your own solid beliefs, opinions and goals - and stick to them. 
Don't be mean - there is absolutely no need for it!
Everyone is human, and for that fact alone, treat everyone with respect.


I didn't mean to generalize as much as I did here. 
Nor did I mean to toot my own horn, if that's the vibe you got. 
I am in no way shape or form perfect. But I am learning and all that I've just talked about is really crushing to see.
We all know that for as many 'crooked' people there are good.
And to them, hallelujah!


Up until now, I used to be upset by the fact that I didn't understand the motives and reasoning behind people and their actions. But now I see that my lack of normal humanity is what makes me great and true.
Those kind of people don't need to be in my life anyway. 


I'm taking this step up. 
I am hold myself to it. 
It's not easy, and to be honest, it hurts. But that's how I know I am doing the right thing - 
Because nothing good comes easy.


"It's alright, just wait and see. 
Your string of lights are still bright to me.
Who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent.
Today is never too late to be brand new..."
(Lyrics: Taylor Swift - Innocent)

Love always,

Mo

XOXO